Are you enough?
Updated: Apr 14
Most people who know me have always thought I am extremely sure of myself and that I speak my mind and that I am very💪🏾(no, this is not a chicken leg🤣). I have come a long way from the timid scared little girl I was when I was growing up. I was a shy little girl who grew up with very strong brothers who could do no wrong in my eyes. I wished I could have as much confidence as they did/do/are...I was bullied in school, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. I have tried to speak about it but it has always been something I was ashamed of....I had a swim teacher who used to make us girls strip in front of him before we went into the pool (My MUMMY💗 threatened him YAY MUM, when I finally spoke up), it is a wonder why I had/have body issues. As we grow older and we gain a voice you start to speak softly at first but you get louder the more you speak.
Growing up, I didn't think I was good enough or even deserved better, so I had non committal relationships and friendships. I allowed people to treat me badly, whether emotionally, spiritually and even allowed physical altercations, but again I started to speak softly and my voice has grown louder! NO! That is a word I have learned to speak louder and louder. I have always competed with ALL of my siblings, I have always thought that my parents loved my siblings more then they loved me so I would go out of my way to try and gain their approval, my successful brothers and sisters who have accomplished SO SO much! Slowly I started to shrink and be part of the wall, so I learned and accepted to be second best over my siblings and have lived most of my life in the shadows. All this whether imagined or not is still traumatic. Every time I did something all I really wanted was my parents approval.
Before my Dad left this earthly place he said to me, my fearless child you heart is so restless and I need you to settle, I need you to find peace. Perhaps he knew all along that I was always trying to impress him and was saying IT IS ENOUGH! I see you! I guess now I will never know. In the last couple of years my parents continue to affirm their love for me, they continue to encourage me and they continue to affirm that I have a brilliant mind and more love than I know what to do with...they have continued to hold me up and give me strength, they love me differently, not less, just differently.